Every time I eat Oreo cookies before bed, I have horrible nightmares. The dream I just had started with the old familiar “running from nuclear holocaust” bit, and was simultaneously happening to me and a movie I was watching on the scifi channel. Weirdly, they replaced all the scenes of graphic violence with pixelated video game graphics to beat back the censors. Then there was a giant, encroaching forest fire that we kept running into houses to get away from, but it turned into a giant lava flow, and right before I woke up, we were in a stadium running up the bleachers as people were being consumed by the lava, only right before the lava burned them up, they turned into 8-bit nintendo renderings. Of course I woke up right before the lava hit us at the top of the stadium. At that point, I remember telling myself I had to wake up, and then I did. Of course I am wide awake now, at 6:45AM on my day off.
I was in my kitchen, and I grabbed a carton of milk from the fridge. I took a drink then looked inside. Somehow the whole top was open, so I could peer directly in. Inside the carton, sticking out of what was left of the milk, was lettuce. I can’t remember if it was a head of lettuce or just a pile. Anyway, it was sitting there, amidst the milk. I thought, “eh, it doesn’t taste so bad, I guess I’ll ignore it.” I closed the lid and looked at the carton and it said something like “Garden Fresh Milk.”
I had either been selected to witness or simply happened upon a test of the world’s first working time machine. In retrospect I suppose it was some kind of matter transporter too. Anyway, the tests were taking place in the Verizon substation down the street from my house- the one on Murray and Forward. The people were going to go back in time 15 minutes from 10PM that night to 9:45, and arrive on Forbes Avenue between Murray and Shady.
I made it up to Forbes and remember looking around, trying to find people who also knew what was about to happen. No one seemed to know or care. Then, it was 9:45 and a few of us were standing around waiting. As people slowly started to materialize I was filled with dread that I can now only relate to the transporter accident in Star Trek: The Movie. Slowly, people started to fade into reality, the first of whom was a young boy with a horizontal striped shirt, who had a panicked look on his face as he slowly came into being. I asked him if he was okay and he just smiled, and we looked around and people were started to dissolve into our time all up and down the street. There was a lot of cheering and general ecstatic happiness as we realized that all of the people sent from 10 o’clock would be okay. Somehow, there was 20000 coming from 10 to 9:45, but it was obviously a lot less than that in ‘reality.’ We became concerned about whether or not the people who arrived first should get out of the way less they be in the same spot as new arrivals, but it became apparent that like in Unreal Tournament 2004 (which I’ve been playing a lot), if you sit on a ‘spawn point’ (for UT Vehicles anyway), the person would not materialize until you were off.
Afterwards we went down to the Verizon substation to have a look around, and we were told that Steve Jobs had volunteered apple for distributed supercomputing of the complex information required to move people from 10PM to 9:45.
I looked around the news and talked to everyone about this amazing, world changing event but again, no one seemed to know or care. One other thing of note happened but I can no longer remember it, of course.